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What Couples Need to Be Happyby Nanci Hellmich of USA TodayMarried couples argue, sometimes loudly. Some may not speak to each other for days. Many get into the same battles over and over again. "Disagreement is part and parcel and a bedrock of what marriage is", says Diane Sollee, a pioneer in the marriage education movement. New studies have documented the impact of marital discord and divorce on physical and emotional health. And how couples manage conflicts has a lot to do with their chances of living happily ever after, Sollee says. How can couples get along better? If emotional needs are met, calm prevails. When couples get into arguments, they often start over issues such as money, sex, household chores, scheduling and children. But within minutes, many couples are actually arguing about the argument itself, about how this fight and others are waged in the relationship, says John Gray, a family therapist and author of the popular "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" (Harper-Collins, $25). That's because many marital squabbles are rooted in the fact that the man and woman don't understand the other's emotional needs, he says. "There will always be differences in relationships which require compromise, but it's hard to compromise when you feel you are not being emotionally supported." Women's three basic emotional needs are to feel cared about, understood and respected. He says men's emotional needs are to feel trusted, accepted and appreciated. A husband may think he is doing the loving thing, but he unknowingly gives her the message that he doesn't care how she feels or what she thinks. Instead, the husband should try to listen with empathy so she feels understood, Gray says. He can try to slow down the conversation and say "What I hear you saying is...". Women need to understand men's emotional needs too. When a husband explains an idea he has or a decision he has made, and his wife asks a lot of questions, expresses doubt or says something like "That's a good idea, but...", he gets the message that she doesn't trust him or accept his decisions, so his needs aren't being met. Try to avoid posing questions that are indirect criticisms, such as "Is that what you're going to wear?" Gray advises. If a woman can convey trust and acceptance even while disagreeing about the subject at hand, it encourages her husband. Learning to meet these needs is difficult, Gray says. It's best if your parents set a wonderful example. If not, marriage education classes, therapists and specially trained coaches can help you learn the skills. A woman needs to feel she is special in her husband's eyes, Gray says. A man needs to feel he is successful in making his wife happy. "She wants him to make her happy. He wants to make her happy. They both want the same thing." Watch what you say, and how you say it. Conflicts snowball when couples get into a crazy cycle of reacting negatively to things their spouses say or do, says Emerson Eggerichs, author of "Love and Respect" (Integrity Publishers, $21.99), a best-selling Christian book on marriage. A former pastor who counseled couples for 30 years, Eggerichs hosts popular marriage conferences with his wife of 32 years, Sarah. At his conferences and in interviews, he uses humor to demonstrate how simple misunderstandings can take on a life of their own. For example, a wife might say, "This is the worst meal I've ever made." To which her husband responds, "No, it's not, Honey." She quickly shoots back, "What are you saying? Are you saying that I've made thousands of worse meals?" What he really meant was she has never made a bad meal, Eggerichs says. Or one spouse wakes up feeling fat and ugly. The other, planning to make a thoughtful gesture, makes a beeline to a bookstore and gets a diet book. Chaos ensues. Runaway disagreements can be headed off if each partner gives the other the benefit of the doubt, he says. "They do not get up in the morning thinking of ways to offend and irritate you and be selfish around you -- although all of that happens. I can't defend everyone, but you were at the altar with this person, and you have to believe that your spouse has basic goodwill toward you." He bases his views on what he has learned from the Bible, particularly from the Apostle Paul, who wrote about love and respect 2,000 years ago in his letter to the Ephesians (5:33): "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Eggerichs says the central theme of his book is that couples have to stop the crazy cycle, which is this: feeling unloved, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to him. Without respect, he reacts in ways that feel unloving to her. He writes that he often asks a husband if his wife loves him and he'll say, "Yes, of course". But when he asks the man if his wife likes him, he'll say "Nope". Eggerichs says his ideas aren't magic bullets to fix marriages, but many unhealthy patterns can be broken if couples learn to show that underneath the lumps and bumps of their relationship, there's unconditional love and respect. Hints for harmony. For husbands: 1) Be affectionate without sexual intentions. 2) Spend time with her alone so you can focus on each other and laugh together. Set up a date night or eat by candlelight. Go for a walk or jog. 3) Let her know you enjoy discussing things with her and getting her insights. For wives: 1) Tell him you like him and show it. He knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him. 2) Respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together or to come along to watch him. 3) Encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to connect with you later. (Source: Emerson Eggerichs) Call a time-out. If an argument gets out of control, the best thing to do is retrench, says therapist, John Gray. If you are defending yourself instead of talking about the issue, it may be time to gracefully take a time-out, he says. You could say, "I can see what you are saying makes sense. I need some time to think about it and then let's talk about it." When you can turn a conversation back to the problem you are trying to resolve, your chances of resolving it are greater. (Source: John Gray) This article was taken from the Detroit Free Press, Sunday, September 25, 2005.. |
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A wedding officiant may also be referred to as a: celebrant, clergy, officiator, officiate, official, pastor, preacher, wedding minister, minister, magistrate, justice of the peace, JP, priest, judge, facilitator, counselor and rabbi. Rev. Elaine Radloff is a Michigan wedding officiant, MI wedding officiant, (a non-denominational minister) who can officiate your ceremony if you are getting married in Michigan, are having a wedding in Michigan, are having a MI wedding or are wanting to get married in Michigan. Rev. Elaine will write and perform a wedding ceremony (marriage ceremony) or vows renewal (vow renewals) ceremony with as much of your input as you would like. Elaine performs indoor weddings and outdoor weddings in Michigan. Printed ceremony programs are also available. A sample wedding ceremony is included in a packet mailed to you. Also please remember that getting married online, getting married on the web, or getting married on the Internet, is not legal. Rev. Elaine Radloff will marry you in person and sign your marriage license so it is a legal marriage, a legal wedding.
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